Cracks of a Broken Heart

I can honestly say that I've had my fair share of breakups and heartbreaks. However, it was my last breakup that hit me the hardest. 

I was hooked to a boy with a past--he was a player, he was a major flirt. Did I take these into account before I started dating him? Yes I did. Did I think he was going to change? Yes I did. 

I was wrong. 

Our relationship wasn't always that great, but I can't say it was the worst. We had been in a relationship for over a year, broken up once, and now that I think about it, our communication wasn’t the best. At one point, we began to talk less than usual and our conversations went from texting back and forth right away to less than ten text messages a day. When we were in an argument or when I was upset with things he did, I wouldn't tell him how I felt. I could tell this frustrated him because he never knew what to do when things like this happened. Our arguments almost always seemed to be about the same things. Most of the time, it was about me doubting him because of things he had done in the past (...well, more like things I heard he did) or things he had done in the present, too. What he took as being nice, I took as flirting. What I took as cheating, he didn't. Like any girlfriend, I was torn between believing him and what he said, or the stories and rumors of other people. For some reason though, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and sided with him. I never realized then, that these were all signs of our relationship going downhill. 

I could feel it in my gut that something was different that day. He didn’t send me a good morning text, he didn’t come up to meet me at our usual morning spot, he didn’t acknowledge me during first period, and when lunch came—he didn’t come to hang with my friends and me. It was after school when I finally got him to talk to me, however things didn't end like how I expected it to.

We went to the park and it was pretty awkward at first because we both weren't talking. I had no clue what to expect, yet I felt so scared since he normally wouldn't be like this. It was his voice that broke the silence, "I think we should just be friends," he said. I sat there with tears in my eyes, trying to take in what had just happened. Looking into his eyes, I knew he wanted to cry too, but he didn’t. In the thirteen months we had been together, I have never seen him so dejected. 

After leaving him at the park, I called my best friend to tell her the news. Unfortunately, she was busy so there wasn't time for her to talk, so she promised she’d check up on me later.

Home was the last place I wanted to be. I couldn't go home looking the way I was because my parents would question me since they never knew I had a boyfriend. I took into account that I'd have to go home at one point, so I did. It took a lot of strength to hold my tears and sadness in that night. But I did, until I knew everyone was asleep. 

I had a difficult time sleeping that night. I couldn’t believe it was happening. We had broken up once before, and in the back of my mind, I thought it was just a break, that in a few days, things will somehow go back to normal. It didn’t. One week passed. Nothing. A month, still nothing.

The next few days, weeks, and months were rough. My grades dropped, I never smiled or laughed as much as I used to, I ignored my friends and they started to ignore me too. Occasionally, my friends would ask if I wanted to hang out or if I wanted to talk, but I always turned down their offer. When someone asked me what was wrong, I wouldn’t tell them anything. I know everyone was just being concerned, but I didn’t want to talk about the situation just yet, not even with my best friends. My attitudes toward school changed, so did my personality. Everyone saw this change in me, including my teachers. 

 

The pain slowly went away for a bit when I began to open up to my teachers and our school's Teen Center counselors. After a few sessions and talks, I slowly started to feel better. At the time, I wanted to rekindle friendships with my friends again, but, it was already too late. They had been fed up with me ignoring them that by then, they migrated from our tree hang out to where my ex-boyfriend and his friends hung out. I knew beginning to hang with them again wasn’t a good thing for me because I’d have to face my ex-boyfriend on a daily basis. 

 

It was then that I realized I didn’t have anyone to turn to anymore. I didn’t have a boyfriend to talk to and rely on, and my best friends were fed up with the negativity this break up put upon me. I thought they would have known that I needed time to deal with my feelings alone, but I guess the time I spent pushing them all away, was too much. 

 

With no one to go to, I began to spend my school recesses and lunches in my classes. It was a matter of time till a few of my friends slowly turned around and started to talk to me again, however, there still seemed to be tension in the air. I began to put my walls down a bit for them again, and opened up to them too. Sadly, soon after I told them all the secrets I had been keeping in, I discovered a secret that made the pain from my breakup worsen again.

 

One of my best friends that I opened up to had begun a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I felt devastated and betrayed. I wasn’t sure who to be mad at more, my ex-boyfriend or my supposedly “best friend.” What hurt more was that they were starting this relationship behind my back, and the fact that I had to find out on my own—they or my other friends never told me anything. I shut my friends out again, and I’m guessing they had the suspicion that I knew, because they managed to get through and talk to me about it.

 

After all words were said, I remember that “best friend” promising me one thing—that she’d end the relationship she and my ex-boyfriend had and wouldn’t take it any further. Too bad this was a lie, because the relationship never stopped, and in a matter of weeks, they had already become an official couple. At that point, I didn’t want anything to do with her, so you can probably guess that we aren’t friends anymore.

 

Eventually, I started to feel better, however even when my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend had a relationship going on, I, sadly, still had hope that one day he and I would be together again. It wasn’t till a year and half later that I fully cut off myself from him, and was able to move on.

 

When I look back on this experience now, it feels like such a different life. I can barely remember anything that happened before, and when I think about all the things I had gone through with this boy, I feel like such an idiot for holding on for so long. I guess throughout it all, the reason why I held on for so long, was because I genuinely thought he was going to change his ways. I just don’t know why it took me so long to realize that he wasn’t going to change and that he was the same exact  major flirt and player he was four years ago.