Cracks of a Broken Heart

When I close my eyes, a few things immediately comes to mind. 

 

First, I see her holding me and swaying with me as we watch OMAM at the Cosmopolitan. Second, I see her holding my hand in the car while we listened to our favorite bands. Then, I see the last kiss that we shared, right before things went downhill. And finally, I have a recap of all the beautiful moments we shared together.

 

She will never understand the pain in my chest, when I think about our story.

 

The first time I saw her was when we were 14 and she had a smile covered with metal. I didn't think anything of it then, but I thought she was cute. We'd see each other around school, but we only began talking in Junior year. She sat next to me in math, and that's when I began to notice her. At the time, she had a boyfriend and I didn't really think of her in a romantic way. 

 

After months of crushing, our relationship actually began in the summer. I remember when she took me to San Francisco with her family. The excitement was still fresh back then. I remember smiling at her and kissing her to sleep, while we heard the trains running on the tracks behind her grandfather's house. It may seem cliche, but for someone like me, it was a big deal to hear someone say that they love you more than anyone.

 

I remember beginning our Senior year, when our roller coaster of a relationship had started. We fell deeper in love, and I cherished every time that her lips would meet mine. As the months went by, I guess that we became too comfortable with each other. The excitement and romance began to fade like cigarette smoke.

 

Then came college. We were alright for awhile. I introduced her to my friends who moved from Hawai'i to dorm at school. She actually became closer to one of them (Person X) more than I ever did. We all began hanging out together, and she began to lose interest in me. Person X's girlfriend (Person Y) visited and we had a lot of fun, until Person Y began to talk to my girlfriend.

 

Slowly, I began noticing that my girlfriend was talking to her more than she was talking to me. Then I began to be treated like crap. Out of nowhere, my girlfriend began to act like she never knew me. And so, I confronted her. She wanted time to think about things, but I knew it was over. I warned Person X about stuff, but she was already becoming a best friend to my ex. So I let time play out.

 

I began to change myself, starting with the people I hung around with. Then I let loose and tried new things, including going to random college parties with my new friends. Of course, I was right about my ex. I found romantic pictures of her and Person Y together. So I laughed and showed it to Person X. I was already in the process of getting over her, but I saw Person X break down. I realized that I had just been avoiding my pain, or that I was mentally numb.

 

I thought about how my relationship began and all the moments that led up to the end. I said goodbye to my memories, burning all the pictures and throwing away a whole bunch of sentimental things. She'll never know the pain I hid with a smile when she got my friends to turn against me. She'll never know how much I loved her enough to know that she was lying to my face, unexpectedly saying that she just fell out of love. She'll never know how hurt I was to know that she betrayed me and my friend. She'll never know how much I'll miss my San Francisco.