Cracks of a Broken Heart

Back in September 2012, I started talking to this girl, let's call her Ari. She and I live in very different places. I'm on an island, and she's on the mainlands. I already knew that it was going to be an unhealthy relationship. I mean, who wouldn't? It's a long distance, majority of the people that has been through it talked about how difficult it was to keep a relationship who's so far away from you because there's so many issues that comes up; trust, commitment, faithfulness, respect, and the physical attraction that would relieve the mental pain that has been caused by the relationship. Believe me, as a senior and growing up; I took the initiative to be the big person and believe that as long as I love that person, it will work out.

 

On December 24, 2012, she asked me out. I actually broke down crying because I was scared. The last person I actually gave my heart to was back around 2010. I broke up with him, he left me, and went to someone new. She told me she wouldn't be like him because she was different. And I believed her. Unfortunately, it wasn't so. As the months passed by, I thought it was going well. We talked for hours everyday, even though we had school. We would text each other when we had the chance, FaceTime when we're home and play games online through our PS3s. Trust me, I've done so much for her. I even got her the things she wanted; from chocolates to games, from clothes to jewelries, hell I even gave her my family ring because I wanted to show her that she has become a very important person to me. What did she get me? Really.. nothing. But that's because I insisted her in getting me the littlest things. I'm not a materialistic person, as long as she was devoted to me, and didn't see anybody else... I was fine.

 

We were each other's best friends and I was there for her whenever she had family problems. I was always there to listen to her whenever she needed someone to talk to but there were nights when she thinks about the past and she talks about her exes and other people like she wanted to be with them. I know she had her own life, I had my own, but there were people we could be with to only a certain extent and I understood that. I wanted to be true to her so I distanced myself from my friends and focused on her. She was thankful that she sacrificed so much for me.

 

She began hanging out with her friends more and at first I really didn’t mind until she began hanging out with one specific girl (Alice). I trusted Alice because I thought she would take care of Ari but I found out from one of their friends Elaine that they kissed and that they’ve been a thing in school for a while. I trusted her; I thought that Alice would watch over Ari so that she wouldn’t do anything stupid but in the end, they got together. I could never see them the same again, especially Ari. We fought all the time ever since, and I knew she was growing tired of this relationship, I was too... but because I thought I loved her so much, I persisted and fought.

 

When Ari and I broke up, she still called me because Alice was still in denial. Ari called telling me she still loved me and that called me names by accident when we know that what we have is nothing now. On January 1, 2014, I told her I loved her that that a big part of me always will. Ari told me that she feels the same. She also said that she feels insulted that she will find somebody new because Alice and her were just friends that that’s all there is to it. We began talking as friends, Ari and Alice were already going on dates and introducing each other to each other’s family and all while I was still getting over her. I talked to my teachers, my parents (especially my dad) about it and I tried to see the light while she was still walking in the dark. My teacher told me that I deserved happiness, and that he didn’t want me to cry ever again because he saw potential in me. That a person who’s never absolute in what they want will never get a good future because they’re all over the place. My dad just didn’t want me to be sad anymore. I was crying every day, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t want to talk to my friends because everything reminded me of her. I didn’t want to go out because I would remember doing things at that spot that involved her and I fighting, or talking to her at that place or anything like that. I threw all of the things she gave me, I tore down the photos I had of her on my wall and cried every night over that fact that I was alone again and that she was just another like the last boy I gave my heart to.

 

That’s when I started to read through my diary. I wrote everything that I went through with her and I realized that I wasn’t the one that changed, it was her. I have always been unstable but it was only because of the things she said or did behind my back. A person can only go so far with a person, and even though I loved Ari so much, she was unhealthy for me. She was poison in my life. She said it was insulting that I’d think she’d find someone knew but she found someone else and she didn’t care. She was already with someone else when I was with her. And I just don’t think I’ll be able to find myself with anyone new. I couldn’t give her the physical love she wanted, and she wanted lots of those. She couldn’t wait for me because her love wasn’t strong enough. It just wasn’t meant to be.

 

I know you'll probably think, "oh it's long distance. Of course it didn't work," but since you made it this far, you now know why it didn't work... This is in my point of view, and my ex had no say in this. And she'd probably want no say in this; she’s happy with the new person she’s with and that’s really all that mattered to me.

 

It's been two months and seven days the last time I laid my eyes on my ex-girlfriend. I told her I cared about her and that I would love her till the end. I’m sorry... now that I think about her, my heart stops. My anger rages, she’s done me wrong and all I could think about are the things she’s done that made me realize how much I wasted a year of being with her. I’m never making that mistake again. But I found my closure through my hatred, I moved on with my anger and I’m no longer as bitter as before. I just know now that I’m going to focus on my friends, my family, and most of all myself.

 

It took me a while to finally delete her from everything. I blocked her on my Twitter, my Facebook, my Instragram (infact, I couldn't stand seeing her on my old account because I could cry, so I deleted it and made a new one), and deleted her number from my phone. I used to check up on her, as a matter of fact, I checked up on her a week ago. But we don't talk anymore.

 

I spent so much stuff on Ari, when she left me, the money I gave her on her Amazon account, she spent on her new girlfriend. She didn't spend shit on me. And that's real, son.

 

I can tell you now that one of the things I learned in this long distance is that, know your limits. Everyone has tolerance, but if you know that you can't do it anymore, don't keep going. It takes to people to work in a relationship, and if it doesn't... It's just not the right thing, even though you love that person. I'll tell you now, love just isn't enough. Love is toxic, even though it's the most powerful thing. No matter how much you love someone, if what they show you is the complete opposite of what they say they are, leave. Not only will you save yourself from the pain, but you'll save yourself from making other things that you'll regret. Karma will come around, and honestly... As long as you've done your ex right in the past, whatever wrong they did to you, will go back to them.