Cracks of a Broken Heart

I never knew what it was like to be in a relationship. I was a fan of romance novels and cheesy chick flicks, but I’ve never had a real encounter with a guy. I was deemed “innocent” by most of my classmates and friends. So, what I’m about to share is not something that’s been ever expected from me. I never knew what it was like to be in a relationship.. until he came along. 

 

Our relationship was different. It wasn’t like any other and it’s definitely not something you hear about everyday. We had started talking in the beginning of my junior year. At the time, I wasn’t looking for anything at all. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I had no experience with a boy whatsoever. We texted each other for hours and hours, talking about the most randomest things. Then my feelings for him sorta went in a whirl and I could no longer focus on anything else besides the next time I would be able to text him again. It was crazy.

 

So where’s the twist in my story? He lived miles and miles and miles away from where I was--a five hour time difference. He was on the mainland; I was not. He asked to be something more. I knew long distance relationships never work out, but in my mind I kept telling myself that it was always up to the two people involved. There is a lot that makes up a long distance relationship--trust, commitment, honesty, and the list goes on. Days later, I gave him my answer: yes.

 

All I remember after that day was being so happy.. but even if I was happy, I could see all the negative effects taking its toll. I no longer focused on school as much as I used to. I stayed up till early in the morning on school nights because I would be texting him. Because the time difference screwed us both up, he would stay up all night to talk to me and sleep whenever I was in school. I was always so tired and stressed but he was always there to keep me going.

 

He soon became the person who knew me better than anyone else. No one knew about him. I never even told my best friends. I kept him my own little secret. And boy, I was good at hiding it. People would think that I was crazy. I even thought that I was crazy. I wanted to avoid the questions. I just simply didn’t want people to know about him. It was easier that way.

 

Our relationship went on for the next months after that. It was a hard relationship to keep up, to be honest. We would always fantasize about the day we would finally meet. I was always in a good mood whenever I got to talk to him. I could never vent to my friends about problems because they were never there for me, or they would never care. He was always there to listen.

 

Then things took a turn for the worse. I got busier with school and my grades were slipping. I just never had the time anymore. Because of that, we got into a lot of arguments. Me not texting back fast enough, me falling asleep on him without saying goodnight, me not doing this, me not doing that--it was all me. There were days where we would only send a couple texts and that was it. We argued about the most smallest things ever. And when we argued, he really let out everything that was on his mind. He hurt me with his words. I let him hurt me. There were nights where he would just ignore my texts or give me one worded responses because he was so mad. There were nights where I would just have the urge to throw my phone against the wall because he made me so angry.

 

Some nights I cried, most nights I had trouble sleeping. He drove me crazy. It wasn’t easy. This wasn’t the type of relationship where you could just show up at the person’s door with an apology and gifts and things will get better. No. It was literally on and off for the months following. Whenever we fought, we always made up after. We could never stay mad at each other for too long simply because we knew we both needed each other. We made it through one year. Then it was my senior year and still, he was my little secret. I liked it that way. Less people to deal with. I had the urge to tell my closest friends but soon enough, those friends turned into strangers. So why bother?

 

The beginning of senior year was hard. Everything fell apart between us. It just wasn’t the same anymore. He felt that I was forgetting about him. He felt that I was talking to other guys behind his back. He felt that he was no longer important to me anymore just because I was busy with other stuff. It was weird. He blamed me for things that were not true.. And those kind of things always sparked arguments. It got too out of hand. We always argued. We never sent each other cute stuff anymore. We even thought about breaking up numerous times but I always found myself not giving up on us. I always went back to him no matter how much he’s hurt me. I dont know why I persisted. He said so many hurtful things to me. He accused me of a lot of things.

 

Our relationship was not the same. Everything was just “ehhh.” So after some hard thinking, he decided to call it quits. I wasn’t confused. I wasn’t mad. Just really surprised because it was “forreal” this time. He was serious about it. He was bitter about it too. He didn’t even want to be friends anymore because he said it would be too hard. He felt that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. The sparks weren’t there anymore. So I accepted it. He needed to let me go, and thats exactly what he did. He pushed me away from him and stopped talking to me in every way possible. And when he did, he would tell me things like “you need to move on” and “it’s over, can you just please let me be?”

 

I was heartbroken. I kept going back and it was bad. I felt so lonely and it was not the same anymore. All the promises he had, he broke. I felt like everything we’ve been through was a lie. If he truly did love me, he wouldn’t of had given up like he had, right? Maybe distance got in the way, maybe he just didn’t have hope for our relationship anymore, I don’t know. As the days went by, l became more and more depressed. I cried a lot and I was always sad. I had no one to turn to. I will never know what he’s like in person because it was over. All those 15 or so months down the drain. Everything we could have potentionally had.. gone.

 

I had to force myself not to go back to him because I knew he didn’t want me anymore. I thought that maybe now I knew what it was like in a relationship.. but I still feel like I don’t because I don’t even know if things were real between us. Wherever he is now, I just hope he’s happy.

 

I know that my story is just a long, confusing one. But that’s exactly how he left me. I had to learn how to cope on my own. I had to learn how to surround myself with positive people who will lift me up and tell me positive things. I was given the courage to tell my story to someone and I think that when you do have the opportunity to talk to someone that cares, you’ll feel a lot better. I was able to open up to my friend and be comforted.

 

Keeping things bottled up inside is not the way to go. After that rollercoaster with him, I realized a lot of things. Even so, the most important thing that I got out of the many months I was with him is this: patience. I fell too quick. I depended on him too much. I did not want to be lonely anymore. I was too attached to him. Thats why I kept going back. Whenever I went back, I always got hurt. So. Patience is the key.

 

The right person will find their way to you sooner or later. You will find someone who will make you happy. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not until a few more years. But you will find that one person who will do nothing else but put a smile on your face. For right now, enjoy life as it is. Don't stress about people who don't stress about you. Be your own self. Do what makes you happy. When that time is right, that right person will come along. I learned a lot of things about life in general after my relationship with him. You make mistakes and you get involved with the wrong people, but after that, it'll be easier to tell what's right from wrong.

 

So ladies (or guys), when you get your heart broken, just remember that you’re one person closer to finding “the one.” I came to the realization that it’s not the end of the world. I learned that the hard way. There will be brighter days ahead. Keep your head up. Find people that will listen to you, someone that you can confide in. Grab your friends and do fun things. You won’t be lonely forever; there’s someone out there for everyone.